Would you like to make a bid?

My husband was getting ready for work the other morning.  I was bustling around him trying to put the laundry away and get more going. He grabbed my wrist and said, “come here.” I was in a hurry and pulled my wrist away. “I’m busy right now,” I said to him and went back to wandering around the house doing laundry. A few minutes later I stopped and realized what had happened. I went back up to the room where he was getting ready and sat down with him. We talked for a few minutes and spent time cuddling.  He went off to work with a smile rather than a grumpy face and I felt better about the connection we had made as well.  I had an opportunity to turn towards or away from my husband when he made a bid for my attention. At first, I had turned away but was able to see the importance of that bid and turned back towards him. 

Dr. Gottman said in The seven principles, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (Gottman, Pg. 88).” There are numerous times a day where we or our spouse will reach out with a bid.  Each of these bids is an opportunity to turn towards our spouse or away. The more we turn towards our spouse and accept their bids, we become closer to them. Even if our spouse does not accept the bids that we request from them, our example of turning towards them and accepting their bids will begin to unite us.  You never know what your example by turning towards your spouse will change.

Later that evening, after a long day of stuff and kids, I just wanted to relax and spend time with my husband.  I asked him to lay down with me while I fell asleep (he is a night owl and I am an early bird. We rarely ever go to bed at the same time!).  He talked to me, laid with me and held my hand until I fell asleep. Each day I keep working on making sure that I respond to his bids for attention by turning towards him and not away.  I know that by doing so our relationship will be stronger and he will want to turn towards me as well.

So, when your spouse reaches out to you with a bid for your attention, respond by turning towards them and doing what it is that they are requesting of you.  You will see the blessings come; I promise that!

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.