Emotional intelligence

If it all boils down to one thing, what is the most important thing you can know about marriage? Honestly, I do not know! What I have learned, though, is that being emotionally intelligent is an important factor.  Emotional intelligence? Yeah, it’s a weird concept.  Basically, it means that you are in touch with your feelings and you understand that other people’s feelings are important too. We allow our positive interactions to out weigh our negative ones. We think about the other person and their desires, needs and dreams. We are willing to compromise and do what is best for our marriage as a whole.

Dr. Gottman says that, “The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage – the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after (5).”  In his studies, Dr. Gottman has found seven signs of emotionally intelligent couples which he includes in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work.

Three of these that really show emotional intelligence include:

1. Enhance your love maps – by this Dr. Gottman means to really get to know your spouse. Like a road map to a new destination, you see all of the places along the way.  The history of your partner.  Their ups and downs.  You also see their future and their dreams. Knowing your partner helps you to be more in tune with their emotions.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration – Spending time talking about and thinking about what brought you together as a couple also helps to nurture your fondness. When you are fond of your spouse and you admire them, you will treat them positively.

3. Turn toward each other instead of away – When you spouse wants to spend time with you or asks for your assistance, they are reaching out to you with a bid for your attention.  You have a choice; you can turn away from them or turn towards them.  Turning towards your partner when they reach out to you is a sign of high emotional intelligence.  We can see that our spouse needs us and we react by responding positively to their request for attention and love.

While there is no one right answer for making your marriage perfect (because no marriage is!) there are lots of little things you can do to grow your emotional intelligence.  By taking the time to do these small things every day, your marital happiness can grow and who doesn’t want that?

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.