Safeguarding marriage

Being unfaithful to our spouses is probably not the first thing on our list of things to do after we get married but being unfaithful can creep up on you when you are not looking. Having a co-worker or a special friend that takes the place of your spouse in who you go to in your trials and troubles can set you up for marriage infidelity. Even if it is only emotional infidelity, it still effects your marriage relationship and could cause a downturn that cannot be recovered from.

President Spencer W. Kimball in Faith precedes the miracle said, “There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22 (Links to an external site.)).

And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.”

The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

So how do we keep from allowing none else into our relationship, even when it seems just like a casual friendship?

Dr Goddard lists several ways to keep our spousal relationship as the most important.  The ones that I found the most interesting included:

 - “Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.”  I had a group of friends at work that I would go walking with on breaks. Once in a while one or more of the others would not be available and it would be just me and a male co-worker. At first, I did not think it was a big deal but then started to see how it was important to my marriage that I did not show any evidence impropriety on my part or his.  We stopped walking alone together and made sure someone else was with us.

 - “Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.” When we love our spouses and are committed to them, the temptations of infidelity are less likely to happen.  When we are happy with the time we are spending with out spouse and the affection that we show, there is less chance of desiring that companionship from outside the marriage.  Build up your own marriage to safeguard it from Satan’s attacks.

- “Renew your spiritual efforts.”  When we are following the commandments and keeping our covenants with our whole hearts and souls, we are less likely to be enticed by the whisperings of Satan.  When we are able to go to the Lord in prayer and are worthy to listen for answers, we can be warned when our actions or thoughts are straying from our spouse.

Our relationship with our spouse is our most important one.  It will take effort to make sure that it is always the one that you go to in times of need or when you are lonely but it is worth all of the effort.  Straying, even emotionally, can ruin what could be a healthy and happy marriage.

References:

Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Emotional intelligence

If it all boils down to one thing, what is the most important thing you can know about marriage? Honestly, I do not know! What I have learned, though, is that being emotionally intelligent is an important factor.  Emotional intelligence? Yeah, it’s a weird concept.  Basically, it means that you are in touch with your feelings and you understand that other people’s feelings are important too. We allow our positive interactions to out weigh our negative ones. We think about the other person and their desires, needs and dreams. We are willing to compromise and do what is best for our marriage as a whole.

Dr. Gottman says that, “The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage – the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after (5).”  In his studies, Dr. Gottman has found seven signs of emotionally intelligent couples which he includes in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work.

Three of these that really show emotional intelligence include:

1. Enhance your love maps – by this Dr. Gottman means to really get to know your spouse. Like a road map to a new destination, you see all of the places along the way.  The history of your partner.  Their ups and downs.  You also see their future and their dreams. Knowing your partner helps you to be more in tune with their emotions.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration – Spending time talking about and thinking about what brought you together as a couple also helps to nurture your fondness. When you are fond of your spouse and you admire them, you will treat them positively.

3. Turn toward each other instead of away – When you spouse wants to spend time with you or asks for your assistance, they are reaching out to you with a bid for your attention.  You have a choice; you can turn away from them or turn towards them.  Turning towards your partner when they reach out to you is a sign of high emotional intelligence.  We can see that our spouse needs us and we react by responding positively to their request for attention and love.

While there is no one right answer for making your marriage perfect (because no marriage is!) there are lots of little things you can do to grow your emotional intelligence.  By taking the time to do these small things every day, your marital happiness can grow and who doesn’t want that?

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.

Seeing red!

Last week we talked about how love is a choice.  Did you know that anger is also a choice? Of course, it is!  All of our emotions are a choice.

Early in our marriage, my husband would upset me and I would get angry.  I would say to him, “you are making me angry” and he would respond, “no, you are choosing to be angry.”  In my anger, I would turn to him and tell him how I had no choice and it was his fault for making me angry or something along those lines.  Its hard to know exactly what you said when you are seeing red! I think deep down that I understood that my anger was a choice and that no matter what happened to me or around me, that I could choose my response. It has taken some time and self-reflection to understand this and make it a part of my life.

Elder Robbins attributes the idea of anger being disassociated from agency due to Satan’s strategies, he says, “[this strategy makes] us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, ‘I lost my temper.’ Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To ‘lose something’ implies ‘not meaning to,’ ‘accidental,’ ‘involuntary,’ ‘not responsible’—careless perhaps but ‘not responsible.’ ‘He made me mad.’ This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” 

Have you ever been cut off while driving down the road? Who hasn’t! Do you find yourself yelling at the car in front of you and wishing them bad karma? Maybe they are in a hurry or they have been waiting for a break in the road for a while. Who knows what there reason was, it does not matter but our response does.  It matters to our soul and it matters to our marriages. Having anger towards our spouse will cause negative emotions to perpetuate and cause problems that may be detrimental to our marriage and our eternal progression.  It is important to choose not to be angry.  Elder Robbins goes on to give us a challenge regarding anger and our agency.  He says, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: ‘I will never become angry again.’ Ponder this resolution.”

This is my resolution.  I know that it will be hard but it will be worth it.  I just have to remember that the anger that I feel is my choice and how I respond matters.

References: Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.

“Love is not a happy accident. It is a choice”

Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘falling out of love’? We hear it all the time in movies and television shows.  People fall out of love and then they break up or get divorced. Like falling out of love was not a choice but just something that just happened to them.  If this is the case then falling in love is also something that just happens to us, we have no choices in who we love. Its okay then to love whomever you happen to fall in love with and to dump, so to speak, whomever you fall out of love with. No questions asked.

WRONG. “Love is not a happy accident. It is a choice (Goddard, Pg. 83).” Every time we fall in or out of love it is because of a choice that we made along the way.  Falling in love or falling out of love, is not something that just happens to you. Falling in and out of love happens over time, with the decisions that are made to turn towards or away from our partners.  The more we have turned away from our partners and the more that we do not think of them with fondness and admiration, the easier it is for the love to slip away.  It is all in the effort that we put into our relationship to determine if we will fall out of love.

When we center our lives around our Heavenly Father and Savior, love is easy to accomplish.  Their whole goal was to bring us happiness and love. When we know this, it is easy to show love for those around us.  Dr. Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage said, “When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purpose over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give our time and energy to bless those around us--especially those with whom we have made covenants (Goddard, Pg. 79).” Wow.  When I am living with my life turned over to God, I will gladly give of myself for others, especially my spouse!  I need to do better at turning my life over to God!

Since we own our own business, we are responsible for making sure the work gets done.  Hubby usually goes out on jobs by himself but since young P is in school now, I have more time to help him. This week in particular I did not feel like going out to work with him but since I am trying to turn my life over to God and be glad in giving of myself, I went with him.  We had some great conversations and fun times during the week. 

I have also been working more on turning my life over to God.  Both with my husband and by myself. My scripture study and prayers had been lacking, but I have been putting in more effort to study and ponder the scriptures so that I can use them daily in my life.  I have also been putting forth effort to have scripture study and prayer with my husband. When I am having scripture study and prayer both alone and with my spouse, I feel happier.  I feel closer to God and it is easier to make good choices because I am glad to do so!

It may be hard to change who we are but it is a choice and with that choice, we can choose to fall in or out of love with our spouses. Make the change and the choice, it will be worth it!

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Would you like to make a bid?

My husband was getting ready for work the other morning.  I was bustling around him trying to put the laundry away and get more going. He grabbed my wrist and said, “come here.” I was in a hurry and pulled my wrist away. “I’m busy right now,” I said to him and went back to wandering around the house doing laundry. A few minutes later I stopped and realized what had happened. I went back up to the room where he was getting ready and sat down with him. We talked for a few minutes and spent time cuddling.  He went off to work with a smile rather than a grumpy face and I felt better about the connection we had made as well.  I had an opportunity to turn towards or away from my husband when he made a bid for my attention. At first, I had turned away but was able to see the importance of that bid and turned back towards him. 

Dr. Gottman said in The seven principles, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (Gottman, Pg. 88).” There are numerous times a day where we or our spouse will reach out with a bid.  Each of these bids is an opportunity to turn towards our spouse or away. The more we turn towards our spouse and accept their bids, we become closer to them. Even if our spouse does not accept the bids that we request from them, our example of turning towards them and accepting their bids will begin to unite us.  You never know what your example by turning towards your spouse will change.

Later that evening, after a long day of stuff and kids, I just wanted to relax and spend time with my husband.  I asked him to lay down with me while I fell asleep (he is a night owl and I am an early bird. We rarely ever go to bed at the same time!).  He talked to me, laid with me and held my hand until I fell asleep. Each day I keep working on making sure that I respond to his bids for attention by turning towards him and not away.  I know that by doing so our relationship will be stronger and he will want to turn towards me as well.

So, when your spouse reaches out to you with a bid for your attention, respond by turning towards them and doing what it is that they are requesting of you.  You will see the blessings come; I promise that!

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.