Oh, the In-laws!

There is so much that I can say about my in-laws.  I could write entire posts on each my mother in law and father in law and their lack of connection with our family.  My in-laws have never been very involved in our lives even though they both live about 40-45 minutes away.   My children hardly even know who they are, especially my mother in law.  I am sure that is very different from a lot of in-law relationships.  I have never had to worry about my in-laws butting into our family or relationship but we also lack any type of close connection.  We miss out on knowing them and learning from them.  It is sad but not much that we can do about it.  We have tried over the years and it is hard, especially for my husband, to be rejected so many times.

My mother, on the other hand, has been involved in our relationship and visits us several times a year from several states away.  There have been times over the years where she has gotten involved in things that have happened with our children.  We have had to talk to her about stepping back and letting us handle it.  It was hard but over time she has become more accepting of the way that we do things. She is a great grandma that loves her grandchildren and wants what is best for them.  I understand and can see that but sometimes our ideas are not the same.  As the parent, it is our responsibility to correct the children and as the grandparent it is her responsibility to love and spoil them.

My sons are just a handful of years away from dating and getting married.  I know what kind of mother-in-law I would like to be and the recommendations by Harper and Olsen will be my guide.  These include helping my children to cleave to their spouses, being a support but not a crutch, loving my kid-in-laws even with their differences and including them in the family, respecting their new relationship and not being upset or offended if they are not able to come for a holiday or other special event.  In the conclusion they say, “…[P]arents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity…avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work towards developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law….Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members (Pg. 333).” That is what I want to be, a support and a strength for my children and their spouses, not a burden and I most definitely do not want my kid-in-laws to fear me!

What makes a good in-law to you?  What kind of in-law do you want to be?

References: Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices by "The family: a proclamation to the world". Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Counseling with our Family Council

When you have a discussion with your family or spouse to solve a problem do you usually start with a prayer?  Do you create an agenda for each member to pray on before the meeting?  Do you end with a consensus or does one person just make the final decision?  Elder Ballard in his book, Counseling with our Councils, talks about how the church leadership works together in a council setting in order to make changes to the church and its programs or any other discussions about the church are handled.

The process usually goes like this:

-An agenda is created of the items that need to be discussed.  It is given out to the members of the council before hand so they have time to pray about the topics.

-At the time of the meeting, there are greetings and kind words spoken to one another.  The meeting is opened with a prayer and the guidance of the Holy Ghost is sought.

-The items are brought up for discussion one at a time and each member of the council is given an opportunity to share their thoughts and opinions. When unity is taking place a member of the council makes a recommendation, that is seconded and voted on.  All items are discussed and reworked until a unanimous consensus is reached.

This process is not necessarily a quick and easy one even among the general authorities but as President Richards is quoted as saying in Elder Ballard’s book, “In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord….(Pg. 44).” By the spirt guiding them and changing their opinions they are able to make unanimous decisions.

Our families can be run this way as well and would do good in doing so.  Elder Ballard has said, “Whenever there are two or more members of a family together and a discussion is going on, that is a council! Family councils can be held in one-on-one talks between a parent and a child or among parents and several children. When a husband and wife talk to each other, they are holding a family council (churchofjesuschrist.org).”  When we need to discuss problems or changes that we need to make as a couple or a family, we should look to the way that the Apostles handle their council and emulate their process in order to come to our own agreements.

Recently the idea of spousal councils came up in another class I was taking.  My husband and I have always had a hard time discussing anything that is wrong.  I took the time to create an agenda that we both had time to look over and pray about, then we got together, opened with a prayer and discussed the topics at hand.  Some of the topics we were able to come to conclusions about and others had to be set aside for another time.  It was a great discussion that allowed the spirit to help us find answers to our questions.  We used it for our family as well and it had much better results then some of our previous discussions.  It is a good way to have hard discussions as a family and as marriage partners.  It is something that I need to do more of in my home, and am glad for the reminder to put this council method back into practice.

Resources:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/family-councils?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Safeguarding marriage

Being unfaithful to our spouses is probably not the first thing on our list of things to do after we get married but being unfaithful can creep up on you when you are not looking. Having a co-worker or a special friend that takes the place of your spouse in who you go to in your trials and troubles can set you up for marriage infidelity. Even if it is only emotional infidelity, it still effects your marriage relationship and could cause a downturn that cannot be recovered from.

President Spencer W. Kimball in Faith precedes the miracle said, “There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22 (Links to an external site.)).

And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.”

The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.”

So how do we keep from allowing none else into our relationship, even when it seems just like a casual friendship?

Dr Goddard lists several ways to keep our spousal relationship as the most important.  The ones that I found the most interesting included:

 - “Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex who is not your spouse.”  I had a group of friends at work that I would go walking with on breaks. Once in a while one or more of the others would not be available and it would be just me and a male co-worker. At first, I did not think it was a big deal but then started to see how it was important to my marriage that I did not show any evidence impropriety on my part or his.  We stopped walking alone together and made sure someone else was with us.

 - “Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse.” When we love our spouses and are committed to them, the temptations of infidelity are less likely to happen.  When we are happy with the time we are spending with out spouse and the affection that we show, there is less chance of desiring that companionship from outside the marriage.  Build up your own marriage to safeguard it from Satan’s attacks.

- “Renew your spiritual efforts.”  When we are following the commandments and keeping our covenants with our whole hearts and souls, we are less likely to be enticed by the whisperings of Satan.  When we are able to go to the Lord in prayer and are worthy to listen for answers, we can be warned when our actions or thoughts are straying from our spouse.

Our relationship with our spouse is our most important one.  It will take effort to make sure that it is always the one that you go to in times of need or when you are lonely but it is worth all of the effort.  Straying, even emotionally, can ruin what could be a healthy and happy marriage.

References:

Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Emotional intelligence

If it all boils down to one thing, what is the most important thing you can know about marriage? Honestly, I do not know! What I have learned, though, is that being emotionally intelligent is an important factor.  Emotional intelligence? Yeah, it’s a weird concept.  Basically, it means that you are in touch with your feelings and you understand that other people’s feelings are important too. We allow our positive interactions to out weigh our negative ones. We think about the other person and their desires, needs and dreams. We are willing to compromise and do what is best for our marriage as a whole.

Dr. Gottman says that, “The more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage – the more likely that they will indeed live happily ever after (5).”  In his studies, Dr. Gottman has found seven signs of emotionally intelligent couples which he includes in his book The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work.

Three of these that really show emotional intelligence include:

1. Enhance your love maps – by this Dr. Gottman means to really get to know your spouse. Like a road map to a new destination, you see all of the places along the way.  The history of your partner.  Their ups and downs.  You also see their future and their dreams. Knowing your partner helps you to be more in tune with their emotions.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration – Spending time talking about and thinking about what brought you together as a couple also helps to nurture your fondness. When you are fond of your spouse and you admire them, you will treat them positively.

3. Turn toward each other instead of away – When you spouse wants to spend time with you or asks for your assistance, they are reaching out to you with a bid for your attention.  You have a choice; you can turn away from them or turn towards them.  Turning towards your partner when they reach out to you is a sign of high emotional intelligence.  We can see that our spouse needs us and we react by responding positively to their request for attention and love.

While there is no one right answer for making your marriage perfect (because no marriage is!) there are lots of little things you can do to grow your emotional intelligence.  By taking the time to do these small things every day, your marital happiness can grow and who doesn’t want that?

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.

Seeing red!

Last week we talked about how love is a choice.  Did you know that anger is also a choice? Of course, it is!  All of our emotions are a choice.

Early in our marriage, my husband would upset me and I would get angry.  I would say to him, “you are making me angry” and he would respond, “no, you are choosing to be angry.”  In my anger, I would turn to him and tell him how I had no choice and it was his fault for making me angry or something along those lines.  Its hard to know exactly what you said when you are seeing red! I think deep down that I understood that my anger was a choice and that no matter what happened to me or around me, that I could choose my response. It has taken some time and self-reflection to understand this and make it a part of my life.

Elder Robbins attributes the idea of anger being disassociated from agency due to Satan’s strategies, he says, “[this strategy makes] us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control. We hear, ‘I lost my temper.’ Losing one’s temper is an interesting choice of words that has become a widely used idiom. To ‘lose something’ implies ‘not meaning to,’ ‘accidental,’ ‘involuntary,’ ‘not responsible’—careless perhaps but ‘not responsible.’ ‘He made me mad.’ This is another phrase we hear, also implying lack of control or agency. This is a myth that must be debunked. No one makes us mad. Others don’t make us angry. There is no force involved. Becoming angry is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry. We choose!” 

Have you ever been cut off while driving down the road? Who hasn’t! Do you find yourself yelling at the car in front of you and wishing them bad karma? Maybe they are in a hurry or they have been waiting for a break in the road for a while. Who knows what there reason was, it does not matter but our response does.  It matters to our soul and it matters to our marriages. Having anger towards our spouse will cause negative emotions to perpetuate and cause problems that may be detrimental to our marriage and our eternal progression.  It is important to choose not to be angry.  Elder Robbins goes on to give us a challenge regarding anger and our agency.  He says, “Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: ‘I will never become angry again.’ Ponder this resolution.”

This is my resolution.  I know that it will be hard but it will be worth it.  I just have to remember that the anger that I feel is my choice and how I respond matters.

References: Elder L.G. Robbins, "Agency and anger," Ensign, May 1998, 80.

“Love is not a happy accident. It is a choice”

Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘falling out of love’? We hear it all the time in movies and television shows.  People fall out of love and then they break up or get divorced. Like falling out of love was not a choice but just something that just happened to them.  If this is the case then falling in love is also something that just happens to us, we have no choices in who we love. Its okay then to love whomever you happen to fall in love with and to dump, so to speak, whomever you fall out of love with. No questions asked.

WRONG. “Love is not a happy accident. It is a choice (Goddard, Pg. 83).” Every time we fall in or out of love it is because of a choice that we made along the way.  Falling in love or falling out of love, is not something that just happens to you. Falling in and out of love happens over time, with the decisions that are made to turn towards or away from our partners.  The more we have turned away from our partners and the more that we do not think of them with fondness and admiration, the easier it is for the love to slip away.  It is all in the effort that we put into our relationship to determine if we will fall out of love.

When we center our lives around our Heavenly Father and Savior, love is easy to accomplish.  Their whole goal was to bring us happiness and love. When we know this, it is easy to show love for those around us.  Dr. Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage said, “When we humbly turn our minds, our lives, and our purpose over to God, He will refine us. We begin to see with new eyes. We feel with new warmth and goodness. We gladly give our time and energy to bless those around us--especially those with whom we have made covenants (Goddard, Pg. 79).” Wow.  When I am living with my life turned over to God, I will gladly give of myself for others, especially my spouse!  I need to do better at turning my life over to God!

Since we own our own business, we are responsible for making sure the work gets done.  Hubby usually goes out on jobs by himself but since young P is in school now, I have more time to help him. This week in particular I did not feel like going out to work with him but since I am trying to turn my life over to God and be glad in giving of myself, I went with him.  We had some great conversations and fun times during the week. 

I have also been working more on turning my life over to God.  Both with my husband and by myself. My scripture study and prayers had been lacking, but I have been putting in more effort to study and ponder the scriptures so that I can use them daily in my life.  I have also been putting forth effort to have scripture study and prayer with my husband. When I am having scripture study and prayer both alone and with my spouse, I feel happier.  I feel closer to God and it is easier to make good choices because I am glad to do so!

It may be hard to change who we are but it is a choice and with that choice, we can choose to fall in or out of love with our spouses. Make the change and the choice, it will be worth it!

References:

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Would you like to make a bid?

My husband was getting ready for work the other morning.  I was bustling around him trying to put the laundry away and get more going. He grabbed my wrist and said, “come here.” I was in a hurry and pulled my wrist away. “I’m busy right now,” I said to him and went back to wandering around the house doing laundry. A few minutes later I stopped and realized what had happened. I went back up to the room where he was getting ready and sat down with him. We talked for a few minutes and spent time cuddling.  He went off to work with a smile rather than a grumpy face and I felt better about the connection we had made as well.  I had an opportunity to turn towards or away from my husband when he made a bid for my attention. At first, I had turned away but was able to see the importance of that bid and turned back towards him. 

Dr. Gottman said in The seven principles, “In marriage, couples are always making what I call ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away (Gottman, Pg. 88).” There are numerous times a day where we or our spouse will reach out with a bid.  Each of these bids is an opportunity to turn towards our spouse or away. The more we turn towards our spouse and accept their bids, we become closer to them. Even if our spouse does not accept the bids that we request from them, our example of turning towards them and accepting their bids will begin to unite us.  You never know what your example by turning towards your spouse will change.

Later that evening, after a long day of stuff and kids, I just wanted to relax and spend time with my husband.  I asked him to lay down with me while I fell asleep (he is a night owl and I am an early bird. We rarely ever go to bed at the same time!).  He talked to me, laid with me and held my hand until I fell asleep. Each day I keep working on making sure that I respond to his bids for attention by turning towards him and not away.  I know that by doing so our relationship will be stronger and he will want to turn towards me as well.

So, when your spouse reaches out to you with a bid for your attention, respond by turning towards them and doing what it is that they are requesting of you.  You will see the blessings come; I promise that!

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The seven principles for making marriage work. London: Seven Dials an imprint of Orion Publishing Group Ltd.