Oh, the In-laws!

There is so much that I can say about my in-laws.  I could write entire posts on each my mother in law and father in law and their lack of connection with our family.  My in-laws have never been very involved in our lives even though they both live about 40-45 minutes away.   My children hardly even know who they are, especially my mother in law.  I am sure that is very different from a lot of in-law relationships.  I have never had to worry about my in-laws butting into our family or relationship but we also lack any type of close connection.  We miss out on knowing them and learning from them.  It is sad but not much that we can do about it.  We have tried over the years and it is hard, especially for my husband, to be rejected so many times.

My mother, on the other hand, has been involved in our relationship and visits us several times a year from several states away.  There have been times over the years where she has gotten involved in things that have happened with our children.  We have had to talk to her about stepping back and letting us handle it.  It was hard but over time she has become more accepting of the way that we do things. She is a great grandma that loves her grandchildren and wants what is best for them.  I understand and can see that but sometimes our ideas are not the same.  As the parent, it is our responsibility to correct the children and as the grandparent it is her responsibility to love and spoil them.

My sons are just a handful of years away from dating and getting married.  I know what kind of mother-in-law I would like to be and the recommendations by Harper and Olsen will be my guide.  These include helping my children to cleave to their spouses, being a support but not a crutch, loving my kid-in-laws even with their differences and including them in the family, respecting their new relationship and not being upset or offended if they are not able to come for a holiday or other special event.  In the conclusion they say, “…[P]arents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity…avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work towards developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law….Extended family relationships can do much to support and strengthen family members (Pg. 333).” That is what I want to be, a support and a strength for my children and their spouses, not a burden and I most definitely do not want my kid-in-laws to fear me!

What makes a good in-law to you?  What kind of in-law do you want to be?

References: Hart, C. H. (2005). Helping and healing our families: principles and practices by "The family: a proclamation to the world". Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Counseling with our Family Council

When you have a discussion with your family or spouse to solve a problem do you usually start with a prayer?  Do you create an agenda for each member to pray on before the meeting?  Do you end with a consensus or does one person just make the final decision?  Elder Ballard in his book, Counseling with our Councils, talks about how the church leadership works together in a council setting in order to make changes to the church and its programs or any other discussions about the church are handled.

The process usually goes like this:

-An agenda is created of the items that need to be discussed.  It is given out to the members of the council before hand so they have time to pray about the topics.

-At the time of the meeting, there are greetings and kind words spoken to one another.  The meeting is opened with a prayer and the guidance of the Holy Ghost is sought.

-The items are brought up for discussion one at a time and each member of the council is given an opportunity to share their thoughts and opinions. When unity is taking place a member of the council makes a recommendation, that is seconded and voted on.  All items are discussed and reworked until a unanimous consensus is reached.

This process is not necessarily a quick and easy one even among the general authorities but as President Richards is quoted as saying in Elder Ballard’s book, “In the spirit under which we labor, men can get together with seemingly different backgrounds, and under the operation of that spirit, by counseling together, they can arrive at an accord….(Pg. 44).” By the spirt guiding them and changing their opinions they are able to make unanimous decisions.

Our families can be run this way as well and would do good in doing so.  Elder Ballard has said, “Whenever there are two or more members of a family together and a discussion is going on, that is a council! Family councils can be held in one-on-one talks between a parent and a child or among parents and several children. When a husband and wife talk to each other, they are holding a family council (churchofjesuschrist.org).”  When we need to discuss problems or changes that we need to make as a couple or a family, we should look to the way that the Apostles handle their council and emulate their process in order to come to our own agreements.

Recently the idea of spousal councils came up in another class I was taking.  My husband and I have always had a hard time discussing anything that is wrong.  I took the time to create an agenda that we both had time to look over and pray about, then we got together, opened with a prayer and discussed the topics at hand.  Some of the topics we were able to come to conclusions about and others had to be set aside for another time.  It was a great discussion that allowed the spirit to help us find answers to our questions.  We used it for our family as well and it had much better results then some of our previous discussions.  It is a good way to have hard discussions as a family and as marriage partners.  It is something that I need to do more of in my home, and am glad for the reminder to put this council method back into practice.

Resources:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/family-councils?lang=eng (Links to an external site.)

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.