Saturday, September 28, 2019
Marriage and divorce
In March 2007 I had been separated from my husband for several months. I had been coming back to church for about the same amount of time. He was not a member and I had been inactive for ten or so years. We married after having a child and before he was deployed to Iraq. We had a rocky relationship from the start but since we got pregnant early in the relationship we decided to try and stick it out. He was physically and mentally abusive. We tried counseling, moved away from people that caused issues twice and separated for a couple months at a time several times. He had no interest in getting better, and had little interest in me or the kids. We separated for the last time in mid-2006. I was happy that the abuse had ended but I was sad for our children. They were three and four the last time that we lived together. I did not want them to grow up seeing what happened between us on an almost daily basis but I did not want them to be without their dad.
I had lots of doubts and questions about getting divorced. I had counseled with my Bishop and had talked to other trusted people about it as well. I did not have a firm understanding of the Church’s stance on divorce, and desired to know what I should do. One of the people I talked to told me to write down my questions and then pray for answers to come through conference talks. I did this and as I watched general conference, I found several questions answered. When Elder Oaks spoke, I felt like he was talking only to me, and he answered the most important question on my list that day. Elder Oaks said, “There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce. When a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have a means to end it.” There are times when divorce is the option that is needed for “dead” marriages and that is okay but only under circumstances that cannot be remedied. My marriage was dead. I had tried to resuscitate it numerous times but there was no hope for reconciliation and change. We were divorced a few months later. I still had doubts about getting divorced, mostly because I did not went my kids to be without their dad, but over the years, I have come to find that it was the best decision for all of us. Now, twelve years later, we can be in the same place and have peaceful conversations. It took a long time to get there, but we get along so that our children can see that we can work together.
Elder Oaks goes on to give this admonishment to married people that are considering a divorce, “I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation.” The only person that we can change is ourselves. We have to look inside ourselves and see what we need to do to be a better person and a better spouse. Oftentimes the trials of marriage can be repaired and the marriage can be stronger than ever before, it just takes work. Both parties have to be willing to work on themselves and work on the marriage for it to grow stronger again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)